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October 30, 2003
pantry blues
I had the strangest thing happen to me this morning. I woke up after a soothing nap, and decided that I was going to open up that can of split pea soup and have it with some rye toast heels still left over from the other night.
Ethan says he didn't have the soup, doesn't even like split pea, but that can was not on the shelf. I checked everywhere, searched up and down and all over for that stupid can of soup, and it was just ... not there.
Cans of soup are disappearing on me. I could've sworn I bought that soup just a few months ago - it was on sale, even.
Edit: OK, I found the receipt, and although I remember all the other items clearly, there's no split spea on there for that grocery trip. Instead, there's a line item for french onion, on sale for a similar price. I hate french onion.
This is so stupid. I feel like I am going out of my freaking mind. Why am I obsessing about soup? You may as well ask why I am obsessing over REM patterns, too. It's just as frivolous, and yet I can't shake this feeling that something about it all is important.
np: More Than This, Peter Gabriel
Posted by dina at 1:30 PM
October 29, 2003
conundrum
The routine of sleeplessness has certainly made it easier in some ways to think of melodic lines and even some lyrics. The sleep deprivation makes it near-impossible to put these things together.
np: Asleep, The Smiths
Posted by dina at 11:48 PM
Leiphe Lessons
1. What is your most immediate goal? Why?
My most immediate goal is to find a way to get a good night's rest for more than one day in any given period of time. It's not insomnia that plagues me, it's ... well, it's hard to explain. Suffice it to say that it's nothing so terrible that has me spinning my wheels with unhappiness, but it is something that I am almost consantly aware of. Deep sleep, smooth like silk. That's what I'd like.
2. Do you feel as though you manage your time well enough to accomplish the most important goals on your list?
Yes, and this is why it's so frustrating.
3. Describe your system of prioritizing the things you need to do in any given day, week, or even year.
My computer is one of my favorite toys ever. Combine that with a semi-compulsive tendency to make lists, and you've got an organizational wonder that can't be stopped, and isn't necessarily supported by any of the myriad of expensive and tricked-out software programs out there. I don't need something to go 'ding!' when it's time to water the plants, and I don't need a pretty background to motivate me to make sure I have all the indredients for tonight's dinner.
I wish I could describe my system. I suppose I am lucky in that I am able to have a creative life, and plenty of time with which to pay attention to it. I make my own schedule and permit the muses to run amock (much to my dismay).
4. How do you feel when you accomplish your goals?
I guess I am always grateful and pleased to get to the nnext day, happy and fulfiilled, and loved. Sometimes I feel pushed to create more ggoals, because there's this niggling thoughht in the back of my mind that there's something more, something missing. Maybe itt's just me.
5. Have you ever participated in a program or hired a personal coach to help you achieve your goals? Would you consider doing so?
My friend Ben, who's in my neighorhood, is a dynamic man who has just started his own consulting business as a personal coach. I took a free session with him, and it was a little disconcerting to be sitting across from someone who knew me adequately enough to be familiar with me in a friendly sort of way, but who also had an agenda in trying to ... improve me, I guess. He would say that I would be the one motivating the improving, but whatever.
I think it was a helpful session (all those months ago, too, perhaps I should try again?), but overall I was left with this feeling that perhaps we're all pushing ourselves too hard to understand and analyze and help and medicate and 'fix' each other. Maybe the problem's not us. Maybe it's the world around us. Maybe we all need to sit and listen at 4 AM to the nothingness that can descend. You can hear the world creaking and settling into place like an old Victorian house. There is a palpable syntax in the ley lines of our little wedge of the universe.
Rush rush rush. It's time to slow it all down and look more closely, without turning on ourselves.
Posted by dina at 4:15 AM
Leiphe Lessons
I've been having so much trouble the past few days dealing with the lack of sleep and the weird dreams that I completely forgot to keep with these writing prompts. Le sigh. I feel like such a freak about all this sleep problem stuff. Blah. I'm trying to keep a grip, but I just ... this stuff is too real. Look under the surface of any record; you'll see it.
1. What are the 7 most valuable items in your possession right now?
The piano, any minutes of peaceful sleep I can get, my computer, The Smiths Louder Than Bombs on vinyl, my sanity, a bar of soap that smells like mulled wine, and Ethan.
2. How would you feel if they were destroyed or stolen from you?
Nothing really matters to me more than Ethan. He is inextricably a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same without him at my side (and I do mean that metaphorically when he's on business trips - I can still feel his presence here with me, no matter the distance). I don't think he could ever be truly stolen, and destruction would just as surely destroy me. That's no hyperbole, bub. It's truth.
3. Do you feel as though you hang onto material things?
Hmm, yes and no. There is something to be said for the casting off of material desire and the avarice that surely accompanies this need for 'stuff,' but at the same time, I do like to care for and be aware of the things I do have. I feel like I am keeping the world at bay when I move through it gracefully - whether this means recycling, or re-using stuff, or simply making sure the things I do have last and are repaired when needed.
4. Take a 2 minute tour of your home, in your mind. How many things could you get rid of and still be able to live a happy life?
I'd keep my seven things, and whatever food and shelter needed. Beyond that, it seems quite possible for me to make music without my piano and without all the sheet music, etc - I've never really had to do without, or start from zero, but somehow I think I really could, if I had to.
5. Are you a pack rat or a minimalist? Why are you one or the other?
I am inbetween. Moderation in all things, dontcha know.
Posted by dina at 3:32 AM
October 24, 2003
tidying house! quickly!
Here in my Little Corner of the Web (remember when it seemed like ALL web pages were called this, back in the day?), I feel fairly safe and cozy and tucked in with books in stacks practically falling over, and armchairs and footrests and all, the Sunday paper spread out all around me, pages pulled out and draped like collapsing tents on a battlefield of afghan blankets and abandoned coffee mugs.
And then the effervescent Wongmo himself goes and features one of my songs as part of his student showcase! That was really nice - it was part of a workshop exercise from a while back that was more about free associating than anything. I had to struggle not to rhyme. Since then, it's been easier doing free verse, or internal rhyme, and not sticking to formulaic orange/door hinge type stuff.
I still feel as though I am learning so much, and yet getting little boosts like this is so nice, too. Little pats on the back, for all that is yet so new to me.
Posted by dina at 2:50 AM
October 18, 2003
pulling back
Although I am really glad a few people out in the world have enjoyed the one MP3 I let out of my not-so-confident grasp enough to want to link to it, or refer to it, I think it was a good idea to pull back from the 'community' ('communities', really) that exists out there for people with personal websites.
Maybe someday I will be brave enough to venture forth and question a bit more boldly the things I see, and be able to share those visions with strangers, but for now, I've pulled contact links and unjoined from webrings and writing prompt lists and such. It all seems so dramatic anyhow.
For those of you who are aware of this place, you are still completely welcome! I value the fact that this is not just me shouting into the night, that perhaps someone out there is taking in what I say, and nodding a bit.
Right now, though, I think it's best to just be here, with myself and my thoughts. I feel more honest that way.
... and, you know? The dreams seem clearer for it, too.
np: Hyper-Ballad, Bjork
Posted by dina at 7:39 PM
October 15, 2003
Leiphe Lessons
1. Do you like to shop?
It's funny; Ethan has always been the one to bargain hunt or trawl the malls for shoes or clothes or gear for vacations and things, but because I am the one with more free time, it often falls to me to purchase household goods. To say that I like shopping is a bit of an overstatement. I do like being able to make a list, walk into a store, and walk back out again with a minimum of fuss. I didn't come from a very wealthy household (we weren't dirt poor, either, as far as I knew), but I did learn the value of a dollar, and how not to let impulse buying rule me. Somehow, I still have lots of (art) clutter, but I've never bounced a check over it.
2. If you were dropped into the middle of a shopping center, where would it be? Is it crowded or empty? What color is it painted? What types of stores do you see?
I think there would be just enough people that I could walk through unhindered, but still have the feeling of humanity surrounding me. Soothing colors like mauve and dusty green and pale yellow, deep reds ... I don't know. It's hard to say - so much of the presentation of so many stores is about thwacking you soundly about the eyes with neon signs and loud placards and branding. It's this huge network, you see, all clamoring for attention and time. Very draining! I see stores that are well-established and homey, in my ideal shopping center - less of the plastic and formica, and a bit more of real wooden door frames and etched glass. Walkways wide and lined with live foliage, lighting less of the garish fluourescent kind, more warm. The stores are selling foolscap and luxurious writing pens, sheets of music, blank and printed with favorite songs. Clothes that are real and useful and look even better with a little wear and tear. The air is not clogged with orange julius and rancid hot dog smells, but is fresher, green.
3. Do you stay and walk around or do you just leave? Do you do any shopping? If so, what do you buy? How does it make you feel?
I will stay for a little bit, in this idealized place. It's far more pleasant to me than the blatant plastic consumerism that passes for shopping malls these days. (Although, when were shopping malls ever pantheons to the people, instead of the big corporations?). I will do a little shopping; whatever's on my list is fair game. After that, I might treat myself to a new book, or maybe a new piece of music to try and decipher (I'm getting better all the time with sight-reading!). I feel stressed still, I think, because I'd rather be productive than wandering around looking for ways to spend money, but in this fantasy place it's a thousand times easier to deal with.
4. Is there a food court? Do you visit it? Do you get anything to eat? If so, what is it?
Maybe for an ice cream cone. I allow myself to have an occasional weakness for a really good dark chocolate ice cream, or something with orange or cinnamon in it.
5. Have you ever spent more than $500 on one visit? How did it make you feel as you left? How did you feel the next day?
Yes, once or twice recently, as I've really been in the swing of music (no pun intended, I swear!) over the last many months. Musical instruments cost money, as do sheet music, metronomes, pianos (!!), etc. Don't worry; this is stuff we've saved up for - I mean, Ethan and I hardly knew this was all lurking under the surface for me, but we've been good about being frugal where it counts while still living as full and rich a life as possible. We're still trying to keep more aside, and again, it's not for anything in particular, even though I feel like I am still waiting for more to come forth and bloom in my life. Buying those first music-related items was joyous and heady and so, so scary. Walking back to the car, I almost turned around and walked back and returned every single thing in my arms. But, the next morning? I awoke feeling more grounded than I had in ages, and I had finally had a night's sleep (mostly) free of the intense (somewhat disturbing) dreams I've been having over the last couple of years. I knew then that I had made the right decision, and that this was an investment not to be taken lightly.
Posted by dina at 6:48 AM
October 13, 2003
Dreamtime
I am thinking ...
It's still really valuable to me to use a paper journal for my dreams, but digitizing them is also incredibly satisfying, thought I can't (quite yet) put my finger on why.
Suffice it to say, I don't have as much time to sit here and play with text on a screen, but I will try to keep an eye on those pesky dreams, work them into some bit of reason.
Posted by dina at 4:26 PM
October 8, 2003
Leiphe Lessons
1. Do you believe in astrology?
I think I don't. I used to like to dabble in it, and I like seeing coincidences and the presence of serendipity, but I am not convinced that these things rule my life. Rather, they seem to be quite obvious indications that it's quite the opposite, if I could ever just really take a minute and drink it all in.
2. Do you read your horoscope regularly, occasionally, or never?
I'll read it every now and then. So many web portals have the option to unclude a horoscope, but then I read several by different authors for the very same day, very same sign, and I realize those poor guys must be so bored with their jobs. I mean, honestly: is Mars eternally in retrograde, or what?
3. If you do read your horoscope, has the advice therein helped you that day?
Hardly ever. I mean, as far as strictly following horoscopes as a guide for life. More often, they seem like, um, journal prompts! "There is someone in your life that you don't know about, but he is protecting you from afar," that sort of thing. I mean, really. Why do the astrologers know this, and not me? Hmmm?
4. Do you like knowing what's in store for you each day, or would you rather feel in control of your own destiny?
I know what's in store for me each day, because each day happens.
5. If you knew that a particular astrologer was accurate, how much would that be worth to you?
I can't even wrap my head around this concept. It seems quite alien to me!
Posted by dina at 7:39 AM