November 8, 2003

eye o' storm

Calmer now, in general. All the upheaval behind the scenery of my life seems to be, well, not settling, exactly, but fitting into place.

Even chaos has its own niche and home in everyone's lives, you know?

Besides, a bit of cabin fever never really hurt anyone ...

np: Poor Skeleton Steps Out, xtc

Posted by dina at 12:10 PM


Just found out Fiona's going to be at a seminar, and so won't be able to post the Leiphe Lessons this week. Foo. It's not like they're all that involved or complicated, but I do really enjoy working on them when the sleep won't come, and then after a few days, putting them out there.

Have a good seminar, Fiona! Looking forward to your return to the lessons, of course. :)

Posted by dina at 12:07 PM

November 5, 2003

making a mix


Posted by dina at 9:30 AM

i'm holding on.

Posted by dina at 1:46 AM

November 4, 2003

music homework, cont'd.


Posted by dina at 7:45 AM

music homework


Posted by dina at 6:22 AM

Leiphe Lessons

How important is your family in your life? Are they a source of strength and support or stress and frustration?

Since I know I've got a couple of people reading these for workshop purposes (hello, Mr. Wongmo!), I'll try to lay off the schmoopiness about Ethan. I forget sometimes that it's not just 'the hubby' reading all this. Suffice it to say, Ethan is both the best support I've ever had in memory, as well as a huge frustration. His job takes him away from home so often that it feels like just when I've gotten the hang of routine and comfort with him, the job steps in, and I'm solo for another little chunk of time. He and I get along so well and have so much trust between us - we've scaled the hurdles everyone else does, and it feels quite satisfying to have made this journey with him. I am hoping someday we can find a balance in the stress and machinations of daily life, and find more time for each other. Pixels on the screen and a voice on the phone are less and less satisfying, personally. Sorry, Ethan. I know we're both doing the best we can with what we've got.

Do you have any siblings? If so, what is your relationship with them? How has it changed over time? What about your relationship with your parents?

Both parents have passed on, sadly. I try not to think about it too much. My mother was an amazing person - resilient, somewhat stoic, but loyal and true like no other human I've ever known. Her dedication to her values and the people she loved was a model for me in life from my teen years on. My father, hale and hearty, was the artist with a businessman's attitude. He - he was a musician, too. He taught me violin. He did. There was a piano in the front room.

Anyway, my relationship with them was as normal as could be, I suppose! Fights with mom as I turned into a surly rebellious teenager, distance from my father until it was almost too late. All the makings for an ABC After School Special - On How to Be Normal. Yep.

Siblings I have none, although I think I managed to stray from being an Only Child, by dint of being too absorbed in other people's lives to really worry about my own. Books that I read, movies I saw, music I listened to. I used to sit and listen to the Beatles, Paul and George warring for best-loved in my heart(John wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me, I am sure), quietly freaking at side four track five of the white album. I had many friends as a kid, and a lot of the time they felt like an additional family - we were all so close, especially in high school. I wonder where so many of them have gone. How did we lose touch?

Are you married or single? Are you happy with your current situation?

Married, and very happy.

Do you have or want children? How do you picture yourself as a mother or father? Is it similar to how you remember your own mother or father?

I don't think I ever wanted children. There was no primordial tug, no epiphany upon inhaling the powdered scent of a friend's 3-week-old, no nesting instincts. I say was. Perhaps I am not so sure now.

Is your family a source of financial support or do you find that you need to help support them? How does this make you feel?

Ethan is our breadwinner at present, although we've both held jobs before. The past several months have seen me taking a break for some work on music. If all goes well (cross fingers!), I'll probably start teaching lessons to younger students. I gotta learn this stuff first, though. I'm still a kid, music-wise.

Posted by dina at 3:16 AM

November 3, 2003



At the point in my life where I feel most unsure of everything and anything that I have ever seen with my own eyes, I have a wonderful night's sleep. I am tense and ready to spring into action, but for the first time in months now I feel rested. It's an odd feeling. When I slept, the darkness was a soothing caul over me. I was cradled in the warmth of real, good sleep.

I have been searching so hard for this sweet relief, and here it is, on the very eve of something inside me breaking through. If it wasn't so readily apparent before, I'd say that my body is taking one last measure of preparedness for the times ahead. Sweet, sweet sleep.

I wish we knew what the next thing was.

np: All I Need Is Everything, Over the Rhine

Posted by dina at 10:25 AM

November 2, 2003

snow globe

The world seems very different now than it did, oh, maybe an hour ago.

Posted by dina at 1:01 AM

October 30, 2003

pantry blues

I had the strangest thing happen to me this morning. I woke up after a soothing nap, and decided that I was going to open up that can of split pea soup and have it with some rye toast heels still left over from the other night.

Ethan says he didn't have the soup, doesn't even like split pea, but that can was not on the shelf. I checked everywhere, searched up and down and all over for that stupid can of soup, and it was just ... not there.

Cans of soup are disappearing on me. I could've sworn I bought that soup just a few months ago - it was on sale, even.

Edit: OK, I found the receipt, and although I remember all the other items clearly, there's no split spea on there for that grocery trip. Instead, there's a line item for french onion, on sale for a similar price. I hate french onion.

This is so stupid. I feel like I am going out of my freaking mind. Why am I obsessing about soup? You may as well ask why I am obsessing over REM patterns, too. It's just as frivolous, and yet I can't shake this feeling that something about it all is important.

np: More Than This, Peter Gabriel

Posted by dina at 1:30 PM

October 29, 2003


The routine of sleeplessness has certainly made it easier in some ways to think of melodic lines and even some lyrics. The sleep deprivation makes it near-impossible to put these things together.

np: Asleep, The Smiths

Posted by dina at 11:48 PM

Leiphe Lessons

1. What is your most immediate goal? Why?

My most immediate goal is to find a way to get a good night's rest for more than one day in any given period of time. It's not insomnia that plagues me, it's ... well, it's hard to explain. Suffice it to say that it's nothing so terrible that has me spinning my wheels with unhappiness, but it is something that I am almost consantly aware of. Deep sleep, smooth like silk. That's what I'd like.

2. Do you feel as though you manage your time well enough to accomplish the most important goals on your list?

Yes, and this is why it's so frustrating.

3. Describe your system of prioritizing the things you need to do in any given day, week, or even year.

My computer is one of my favorite toys ever. Combine that with a semi-compulsive tendency to make lists, and you've got an organizational wonder that can't be stopped, and isn't necessarily supported by any of the myriad of expensive and tricked-out software programs out there. I don't need something to go 'ding!' when it's time to water the plants, and I don't need a pretty background to motivate me to make sure I have all the indredients for tonight's dinner.

I wish I could describe my system. I suppose I am lucky in that I am able to have a creative life, and plenty of time with which to pay attention to it. I make my own schedule and permit the muses to run amock (much to my dismay).

4. How do you feel when you accomplish your goals?

I guess I am always grateful and pleased to get to the nnext day, happy and fulfiilled, and loved. Sometimes I feel pushed to create more ggoals, because there's this niggling thoughht in the back of my mind that there's something more, something missing. Maybe itt's just me.

5. Have you ever participated in a program or hired a personal coach to help you achieve your goals? Would you consider doing so?

My friend Ben, who's in my neighorhood, is a dynamic man who has just started his own consulting business as a personal coach. I took a free session with him, and it was a little disconcerting to be sitting across from someone who knew me adequately enough to be familiar with me in a friendly sort of way, but who also had an agenda in trying to ... improve me, I guess. He would say that I would be the one motivating the improving, but whatever.

I think it was a helpful session (all those months ago, too, perhaps I should try again?), but overall I was left with this feeling that perhaps we're all pushing ourselves too hard to understand and analyze and help and medicate and 'fix' each other. Maybe the problem's not us. Maybe it's the world around us. Maybe we all need to sit and listen at 4 AM to the nothingness that can descend. You can hear the world creaking and settling into place like an old Victorian house. There is a palpable syntax in the ley lines of our little wedge of the universe.

Rush rush rush. It's time to slow it all down and look more closely, without turning on ourselves.

Posted by dina at 4:15 AM

Leiphe Lessons

I've been having so much trouble the past few days dealing with the lack of sleep and the weird dreams that I completely forgot to keep with these writing prompts. Le sigh. I feel like such a freak about all this sleep problem stuff. Blah. I'm trying to keep a grip, but I just ... this stuff is too real. Look under the surface of any record; you'll see it.

1. What are the 7 most valuable items in your possession right now?

The piano, any minutes of peaceful sleep I can get, my computer, The Smiths Louder Than Bombs on vinyl, my sanity, a bar of soap that smells like mulled wine, and Ethan.

2. How would you feel if they were destroyed or stolen from you?

Nothing really matters to me more than Ethan. He is inextricably a part of me, and I wouldn't be the same without him at my side (and I do mean that metaphorically when he's on business trips - I can still feel his presence here with me, no matter the distance). I don't think he could ever be truly stolen, and destruction would just as surely destroy me. That's no hyperbole, bub. It's truth.

3. Do you feel as though you hang onto material things?

Hmm, yes and no. There is something to be said for the casting off of material desire and the avarice that surely accompanies this need for 'stuff,' but at the same time, I do like to care for and be aware of the things I do have. I feel like I am keeping the world at bay when I move through it gracefully - whether this means recycling, or re-using stuff, or simply making sure the things I do have last and are repaired when needed.

4. Take a 2 minute tour of your home, in your mind. How many things could you get rid of and still be able to live a happy life?

I'd keep my seven things, and whatever food and shelter needed. Beyond that, it seems quite possible for me to make music without my piano and without all the sheet music, etc - I've never really had to do without, or start from zero, but somehow I think I really could, if I had to.

5. Are you a pack rat or a minimalist? Why are you one or the other?

I am inbetween. Moderation in all things, dontcha know.

Posted by dina at 3:32 AM

October 24, 2003

tidying house! quickly!

Here in my Little Corner of the Web (remember when it seemed like ALL web pages were called this, back in the day?), I feel fairly safe and cozy and tucked in with books in stacks practically falling over, and armchairs and footrests and all, the Sunday paper spread out all around me, pages pulled out and draped like collapsing tents on a battlefield of afghan blankets and abandoned coffee mugs.

And then the effervescent Wongmo himself goes and features one of my songs as part of his student showcase! That was really nice - it was part of a workshop exercise from a while back that was more about free associating than anything. I had to struggle not to rhyme. Since then, it's been easier doing free verse, or internal rhyme, and not sticking to formulaic orange/door hinge type stuff.

I still feel as though I am learning so much, and yet getting little boosts like this is so nice, too. Little pats on the back, for all that is yet so new to me.

Posted by dina at 2:50 AM

October 18, 2003

pulling back

Although I am really glad a few people out in the world have enjoyed the one MP3 I let out of my not-so-confident grasp enough to want to link to it, or refer to it, I think it was a good idea to pull back from the 'community' ('communities', really) that exists out there for people with personal websites.

Maybe someday I will be brave enough to venture forth and question a bit more boldly the things I see, and be able to share those visions with strangers, but for now, I've pulled contact links and unjoined from webrings and writing prompt lists and such. It all seems so dramatic anyhow.

For those of you who are aware of this place, you are still completely welcome! I value the fact that this is not just me shouting into the night, that perhaps someone out there is taking in what I say, and nodding a bit.

Right now, though, I think it's best to just be here, with myself and my thoughts. I feel more honest that way.

... and, you know? The dreams seem clearer for it, too.

np: Hyper-Ballad, Bjork

Posted by dina at 7:39 PM

October 15, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. Do you like to shop?

It's funny; Ethan has always been the one to bargain hunt or trawl the malls for shoes or clothes or gear for vacations and things, but because I am the one with more free time, it often falls to me to purchase household goods. To say that I like shopping is a bit of an overstatement. I do like being able to make a list, walk into a store, and walk back out again with a minimum of fuss. I didn't come from a very wealthy household (we weren't dirt poor, either, as far as I knew), but I did learn the value of a dollar, and how not to let impulse buying rule me. Somehow, I still have lots of (art) clutter, but I've never bounced a check over it.

2. If you were dropped into the middle of a shopping center, where would it be? Is it crowded or empty? What color is it painted? What types of stores do you see?

I think there would be just enough people that I could walk through unhindered, but still have the feeling of humanity surrounding me. Soothing colors like mauve and dusty green and pale yellow, deep reds ... I don't know. It's hard to say - so much of the presentation of so many stores is about thwacking you soundly about the eyes with neon signs and loud placards and branding. It's this huge network, you see, all clamoring for attention and time. Very draining! I see stores that are well-established and homey, in my ideal shopping center - less of the plastic and formica, and a bit more of real wooden door frames and etched glass. Walkways wide and lined with live foliage, lighting less of the garish fluourescent kind, more warm. The stores are selling foolscap and luxurious writing pens, sheets of music, blank and printed with favorite songs. Clothes that are real and useful and look even better with a little wear and tear. The air is not clogged with orange julius and rancid hot dog smells, but is fresher, green.

3. Do you stay and walk around or do you just leave? Do you do any shopping? If so, what do you buy? How does it make you feel?

I will stay for a little bit, in this idealized place. It's far more pleasant to me than the blatant plastic consumerism that passes for shopping malls these days. (Although, when were shopping malls ever pantheons to the people, instead of the big corporations?). I will do a little shopping; whatever's on my list is fair game. After that, I might treat myself to a new book, or maybe a new piece of music to try and decipher (I'm getting better all the time with sight-reading!). I feel stressed still, I think, because I'd rather be productive than wandering around looking for ways to spend money, but in this fantasy place it's a thousand times easier to deal with.

4. Is there a food court? Do you visit it? Do you get anything to eat? If so, what is it?

Maybe for an ice cream cone. I allow myself to have an occasional weakness for a really good dark chocolate ice cream, or something with orange or cinnamon in it.

5. Have you ever spent more than $500 on one visit? How did it make you feel as you left? How did you feel the next day?

Yes, once or twice recently, as I've really been in the swing of music (no pun intended, I swear!) over the last many months. Musical instruments cost money, as do sheet music, metronomes, pianos (!!), etc. Don't worry; this is stuff we've saved up for - I mean, Ethan and I hardly knew this was all lurking under the surface for me, but we've been good about being frugal where it counts while still living as full and rich a life as possible. We're still trying to keep more aside, and again, it's not for anything in particular, even though I feel like I am still waiting for more to come forth and bloom in my life. Buying those first music-related items was joyous and heady and so, so scary. Walking back to the car, I almost turned around and walked back and returned every single thing in my arms. But, the next morning? I awoke feeling more grounded than I had in ages, and I had finally had a night's sleep (mostly) free of the intense (somewhat disturbing) dreams I've been having over the last couple of years. I knew then that I had made the right decision, and that this was an investment not to be taken lightly.

Posted by dina at 6:48 AM

October 13, 2003


I am thinking ...

It's still really valuable to me to use a paper journal for my dreams, but digitizing them is also incredibly satisfying, thought I can't (quite yet) put my finger on why.

Suffice it to say, I don't have as much time to sit here and play with text on a screen, but I will try to keep an eye on those pesky dreams, work them into some bit of reason.

Posted by dina at 4:26 PM

October 8, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. Do you believe in astrology?

I think I don't. I used to like to dabble in it, and I like seeing coincidences and the presence of serendipity, but I am not convinced that these things rule my life. Rather, they seem to be quite obvious indications that it's quite the opposite, if I could ever just really take a minute and drink it all in.

2. Do you read your horoscope regularly, occasionally, or never?

I'll read it every now and then. So many web portals have the option to unclude a horoscope, but then I read several by different authors for the very same day, very same sign, and I realize those poor guys must be so bored with their jobs. I mean, honestly: is Mars eternally in retrograde, or what?

3. If you do read your horoscope, has the advice therein helped you that day?

Hardly ever. I mean, as far as strictly following horoscopes as a guide for life. More often, they seem like, um, journal prompts! "There is someone in your life that you don't know about, but he is protecting you from afar," that sort of thing. I mean, really. Why do the astrologers know this, and not me? Hmmm?

4. Do you like knowing what's in store for you each day, or would you rather feel in control of your own destiny?

I know what's in store for me each day, because each day happens.

5. If you knew that a particular astrologer was accurate, how much would that be worth to you?

I can't even wrap my head around this concept. It seems quite alien to me!

Posted by dina at 7:39 AM

September 27, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. What's your favorite hour of the day?

Sadly, it's starting to be the wee hours of the morning - I am torn between the stillness of 4 AM, but 6 is also nice. It's that blue edge right before the sun lights everything and brings color to the landscape. At 4 AM, though - it's a real desert of slate and and melancholia. It's quite lonely, but I write my best music then.

2. What's your least favorite hour of the day?

Noon. It's so busy and brash. I feel like the world is shouting me down, and somehow I have to hold onto my head with all my senses to keep from losing my focus. There's too much ... energy? Oh, come on, it's not like I'm going to faint dead away because I am a delicate flower or something, but I know that as far as creativity goes, noon is my dead hour. To much noise, not enough signal, as it were. (I think I get geek points for that, but I might be outdated yet)

3. Does your job affect your favorite hour? Do you find being away from home can also affect this?

My job doesn't really affect my favorite hour(s), in that if I manage to get enough restful sleep before any schooling or volunteer work, everything is fine. My favorite hour is still a sanctuary untouched by my regular day.

4. Tell us a bit about your day - what shapes your timetable at the moment?

Ooo, this may be cheating, but eventually I want to do a whole long post about this. I like routines, in a way, analyzing them. Finding patterns, and then breaking them. I find that I can breathe easier when I can trick the world into thinking I am doing one thing, when I suddenly go random. More later, if I can remember.

5. Let's say you've got $500 to spend on a given weekend. How would you spend it?

Save it, baby!

Posted by dina at 6:59 AM

September 20, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. We've all had dreams, as children. What were your aspirations for adulthood?

It all seems so fuzzy now, looking back. I can't quite remember what I must've yearned for as a wee little kiddy Dina. That seems odd to me. I do remember yearning quite a bit, though. I am thinking perhaps I wanted a bit of everything the world had to offer. I know I explored a lot as a kid. It seemed as though I were always looking for secret doorways to other lands (think Narnia, of course.) Traveling was a huge thing for me, too. Once I was able to travel on my own, I did as much of it as I could. There is so much to see.

2. Talk about your family. What's the most amazing thing about them?

I have my very own Ethan, and the most amazing thing about him is that he managed to find me. He's so amazing.

Oh, he also makes kick-ass waffles.

3. There is a vase of flowers on your desk or kitchen table. Describe the bouquet.

Cheap daisies, lavender, lily of the valley ... yellow roses.

4. Have you ever bought anything from an infomercial?

I dislike going out to shop; I am certainly not going to do more of it at home!

5. When was your last vacation, and how long did you have to save up for it in order to go?

It was probably a year or so ago - I think we just did a weekender in some other city, or something. This last year has been so packed with music stuff, it's been hard to tell. We didn't really have to save up - we already had savings.

Posted by dina at 2:36 AM

September 17, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. What's your living situation? Is your abode a modest apartment, a studio space, a sprawling mansion, a communal site?

Ethan and I live in a very modest home, I think. Living in such a tech-friendly area, many of the developers and contractors out here decided to build these sprawling, security-clad fortresses. We're safe and sound and all, but our 4 bedroom what-feels-like-a-mansion-to-me house feels like a toy house compared to our neighbors.

2. Do you rent or own?

Own. And boy, am I glad!

3. Talk about the other people in your home, if there are any.

There's Ethan, of course. My love and my light. He's really my only roommate, other than the animals that come and go. (My helping with animal socialization means that sometimes I 'foster' the animals here at my house before they go to a deserving family. It's not as heartbreaking as you'd think, letting go of each animal after they've stayed a while. I save my heartbreak for other things, I guess.)

4. Is moving homes a chore for you? Are you a person with strong ties to your home, or are you able to pick up and go on short notice?

I think I am able to pick up and go on short notice. I like having nice, useful, durable things, but I've had this sense, as I head towards middle age, that I am extremely adaptable to my surroundings. That seems the opposite of what it should be, but it's true. I constantly feel as though I've just arrived, and that everything is new again. It's exciting. I think.

5. Hire movers, or call up friends with strong arms and backs?

Both! Friends are good for the aftermath, when you need to covince that armoir to go up the steps and squozed into a small alcove space or what-have-you. Friends are good for that initial decorating stuff. "No no, Ethan, the dogs playing poker is definitely an item for the basement bar area. I agree with Dina." See? Friends are a good thing.

Posted by dina at 9:33 AM

September 10, 2003

Leiphe Lessons

1. What styles of music do you enjoy listening to?

I know it's one of those generic answers (for a rather generic question), but I like pretty much any style. Ever since I started singing, and trying my hand at one or two musical instruments, my musical tastes have opened up in a panoramic sort of way. I see the cross-referencing of beats and influences, the roots of one style blending right into the next. Predictably, I will also say that country and rap tend not to float my boat as much, simply because of the formulaic precedent in the really popular stuff. If it's different, and it means it, I will sit up and listen. I can't help but do so.

2. Do you have any favorite musical artists?

I don't think there's enough space in my web account to list them all! I have a surprising fondness Nina Simone as of late, as well as The Magnetic Fields. There's something wistful and true about both artists/groups that's hitting my heart in the right place at this time in my life.

3. Why do you think these styles and artists appeal to you?

In all music, there is this sense of communicating. Getting a message out to someone, whether they really hear it or not. Most of the music I like is emotive and lyrical, but I also jones for new music that is lyrically rich and and complicated. I feel like I am getting in touch with another side of myself when I immerse myself in music. The critic goes away, and I am left with just me and the reason music exists.

4. Has your musical taste changed as you have grown up?

Not really. :) I've always been this much of a sap.

5. How much do you usually spend on music, including live music events?

Too much, I am sure. Getting studio time for myself is expensive enough, never mind all the artists who breeze through town on crazy whirlwind tours. Several hundred dollars per quarter, all told. Wow. I'd never really added it up like that!

Posted by dina at 10:56 AM

September 3, 2003

Leiphe Lessons!

I've started some personal creative work by following this site. It gets the writing going, I can say that much. It feels like it's been a long time since I've been so creative, and yet like an old friend, the conversation has picked up right where it left off.

And, so:

1. What animals are your favorites?

Cats, birds (I love crows), turtles. Meerkats.

2. Why did you pick these animals?

Hmm, I suppose I went for mostly domesticated or domestic-adaptable animals, didn't I? I like cats because they remind me to be selfish every now and then. I think I forget, in my drive to do as much as possible in one day, to rest and reflect, to nap as if it were an art. Birds have always been in my life - the wingspan of each type of bird is incredibly beautiful and a stunning example of what Nature is capable. Crows touch something inside me, but I am not sure if that's just mythological indoctrination, or something more. Turtles have become special to me as of late, and meerkats? Meerkats are freaky-looking and interesting, and have the coolest name.

3. Have you ever stopped to aid an injured animal?

I have. When I was a kid, I was always splinting baby bird broken wings, and finding little mice and eyedroppering food to them. Sometimes they didn't always make it, and it was terribly sad, but I felt like I always did my best. Nowadays, living in a slightly busier area, there aren't as many animals around, so I don't have the ability to whip out my superhero cape as much any more.

4. Have you ever considered giving money to animal protection charities?

I do, all the time. I also volunteer at the local shelter, to help socialize dogs and cats that have been abandoned. Yeesh, I sound like I regularly rescue children from burning buildings, too, or take bullets for VIPs. It's not that big of a deal - it's just something I make time for every now and then. It's as much for me as it is for the animals, I suspect. There's a lot of healing that goes on when one works with animals. It soothes and almost makes me feel complete.

5. If you could give a certain amount every month to help animals, how much would you feel able to provide?

That's so hard to say - what sort of charity is it? Where does the money go? I'd probably think nothing of $20 per month, but that's just a throwaway figure. It might very well be more, but it'd depend on the mission statement of the charity, and its standing in the community.

Posted by dina at 1:59 PM

August 4, 2003

My wife the songwriter!

Wow! That's really good. That's a great start, hon. Who did you get to play piano for you, or have you learned that while I've been away, too? Heh.

I really can't wait to get home. This trip has been a major drag. I'll see you on Wednesday.

Posted by dina at 5:19 PM


Ethan, oh god, I don't know.

What do you think?

It's not quite there, but I tell you, it was therapeutic. I slept like a baby that night, after the final take was done.

Opening doors, opening doors.

np: Parades Go By, Magnetic Fields

Posted by dina at 3:51 PM

July 30, 2003

I've never been a morning person, but in the last six months it's as if I've been hurled from some safe corner, and I am stepping out into light, and energy.

Cheesy, but true.

Music is a wonderful, wonderful thing. I am still learning how to control it and make it my own. Mostly, though, I am enjoying myself.


np: Wrapped in Grey, xtc

Posted by dina at 5:20 AM

July 29, 2003

M.A.S.H. game

It seems almost unbelievable that when I was kid, I could open up a notebook with its fresh shiny spiral wire binding, and write in it for hours, and there it would be, the next day, a record of me in that moment. Scrawling or carefully scribing in bubbled blue ballpoint about the best friend who hates me, the new shirt I bought with allowance, the boys (oh the endless) I am crushing on ... ad nauseam!

After a while, I'd start to worry about someone finding that notebook. That singular romance of unblemished bright red or orange or yellow cover marred with ink smears or doodles or scuff marks. The promise of spiral wire dulling and bending and flattening - in the worst cases becoming rusted and the top crimped bit coming undone and snagging at sweaters, poking into your fingers when you pull it from your bag.

And now, this. My own computer, brightly glowing into the night, the only sounds are me and my breath and the ice cubes slowly cracking in the glass, tip tapping of keys, and me me me, all over the screen. This self-indulgence is slightly addictive, I admit, and I wonder why it's double-spacing the lines, and I wonder why this is so complex and yet so easy. In one instant, in a saucy little click of the mouse, I have shared with the outside world.

This translation of my words through machine is a wonder, but I can't help but think back to those poor battered notebooks, stacked in some plastic bin somewhere, turning yellower with each passing year - we didn't know about archival paper in the 70's and 80's did we? We kids? We of the mighty four-color ballpoints and the neon sneakers. Our legacy seems to be pointed directly at our future.

So here I sit, pixels on the screen before me, geometric and unforgiving squares that we call 'pages,' when they are really anything but.

np: The Child is Gone, Fiona Apple

Posted by dina at 4:05 AM

July 23, 2003


Did this go through? Did it happen?

Did I make my mark on the internet?


Posted by dina at 10:46 AM